Two BUBS One UGH!
Just three pals on a mission to get all podcasts cancelled. Okay, Bubba!
Two BUBS One UGH!
14th Ugh : The Honkey Bucket
Kick back with Matt Butera, Eric Biggs, and JP “The Dominator” Boo in Two Bubs One Ugh – Episode 14: The Honkey Bucket. The guys dive into hilarious riffs on accents, fatsexuals, McDonald’s sauces, “would you rathers,” Cracker Barrel stories, and the wildest funeral theme songs you could imagine. Expect unfiltered comedy, absurd tangents, and nonstop laughs from start to finish.
👉 Perfect for fans of raw comedy podcasts, fast banter, and off-the-rails humor.
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All right, everybody. Nah, that was too much. Welcome! Guys, welcome to Two Bubs. This is Two Bubs Wanna. I don't know what accent this is. This is Two Bubs Wanna. I am your host, Matt Butera. With me, to my right, the lovely... flat-footed Mr. Eric Biggs. He could never get in the army. Yeah, if it wasn't for his flat feet. It's a prime soldier. Long hard cock. To my left is our producer, the man, the myth, the legend, J.P. Boo, also a.k.a. The Dominator. Thank you. I like that this accent has really morphed as you just kept talking. It's different from when we first started. Yeah, it started very nasally, and then it got very kind of fat sexual. What'd you say? Fat sexual. I'm a fat sexual. My wife calls me a fat sexual. Only whenever you do that little dance you do, though. It sounds like a term in the DSM-IV or DSM-V, like a... You never heard of that? JP, did you follow? No. Yeah, the DSM-5 is like psychological terms. Like homosexual used to be like a thing. Like a psychological term. Yeah. I thought it sounded funny. A fat sexual. Yeah. It sounds like something... That'd be on a textbook. Yeah, I guess. Oh, like a diagnosis. Yeah. I meant to say deviant. It sounded like a deviant term. Yeah, also I think fatsexual is black guys. Black with a PH? Wait, what? black guys like fat white women but oh do you call them fat like they're cool like the ph they're fat sexuals sure we'll move on anyways we'll start the pod again all right welcome all right i got it i got it but great accent though bro you got a little statham me in there i felt it felt like it yeah it was hard a little statham me yeah sexy brit a sexy brit yeah All right, guys. All right, guys. Welcome. You don't have to do it again. We're still going. I thought you said let's do it again. Oh, I was joking. Oh, I thought you were being serious. All right. Dude, we have one minute of solid start off. I know. That's why I was like. We can't burn this guy. You know I'm into that. I've stopped the podcast at 30 minutes and been like, we're starting over. Matt loves a good rewrite. I do, yeah. He's like, look, I know it's inconvenient, but let's do it again. That was just a draft. First draft, second draft. We're good to go. Did you introduce JP? Yeah, I did. With the non-flat feet? Yeah. This man's arched as fuck. He's my arch nemesis. I like what you did there. Pretty good. See what you did there with your arches? Yeah. Golden arches, McDonald's, what's up? Give me a Big Mac. Have we talked about the Big Mac not being that good? I haven't had a Big Mac in 10 to 15 years. Yeah. Because I just think there's, like you said, it's not good and there's so many better. A double cheeseburger is significantly better than a Big Mac. Double quarter pounder? The best on the menu. Yeah. Double quarter pounder with mac sauce. See, I've never done that. That sounds so good. The best. Damn, that sounds awful. And then you get a side of mac sauce to dip your fries in. That sounds pretty gay. That's the straightest thing you could do at McDonald's. Sounds like you're trying to get a lot of Mac sauce, you fucking weirdo. Yeah. Mac me up. That's like the whiskey of McDonald's sauces. It's a manly thing. That's barbecue sauce, dude. Wait, have we dove into sauces on this? For where? Specifically McDonald's or just sauces in general? If you're eating some chicken nuggets at your house, what are you dipping them in? It depends. It depends on what I'm in the mood for, but ketchup or barbecue. Ketchup is for children. Yeah, and men who are 38... But not 39. 38's the cutoff. Yeah, you're allowed to have ketchup. But if you turn 39, the government comes in and removes the ketchup from your house. Sir, happy birthday, but you're more of a Thousand Island dressing man now. That would be so funny if there was a law, if there was a Texas law that like removal of ketchup. Yeah. But you still get spicy Whataburger ketchup. That's the only exception. Yeah, that's fair. But I'm just imagining I'm hiding ketchup in my walls. Because you know I love ketchup that much. I would definitely do that. I know you're hiding ketchup in your attic. They have some kind of ketchup detector? Yeah. There's holding up a grilled cheese. Yeah, I mean, I think we've talked about our go-tos on the pod with... The cuck, I mean, what's his name, Brent? Yeah. I thought we were about to start having a different conversation. Wait, that was all fair. What about you, Japes? Well, I mean, it seems you guys have neglected gravy for chicken nuggets, and that's a fucking wild thing to say. That's the gayest thing you've ever said. No, no. Gravy's A1 for chicken. Wait, what kind of gravy? White milk. Racist. You say it. That's a fat sexual statement right there if I ever heard one. A little bit of wok gravy in my nuggets. Yeah. No, but they have to be tenders. They do. If we're talking about... Let's go down to just chicken nugget. Okay. Chicken nugget sauces. Ketchup. I mean, the best chicken nugget sauce to dip. Ketchup. No. Barbecue. I'm a man of class. You're wrong. All right.
UNKNOWN:JP.
SPEAKER_00:Salsa, baby. Come on, dude. Yeah, I forgot we got a sombrero. We got a sombrero on the couch here today. This guy's naming fucking dances. What is he doing here? Machata. Machata. Machata. He's going to put some of that overlay sauce on there. Him and that chihuahua. You and your big hats. Paint a picture for me real quick. Are we talking like the dino nuggets, like that kind of shit? Well, yeah, those are peak. Okay. They're big, though. They're too big. I'm talking about like a little nugget, like a Wendy's-sized nugget. Or you could even say a McDonald's nugget. Okay. Yeah, no, they have a spicy sauce at Wendy's that I fucking dig. Spicy ranch, I guess. Maybe it's ranch, bro. Ranch might be the move. See, my ranking is barbecue sauce, then ranch. Because you can't always just get gravy. But if you can get white milk, like Dairy Queen. With nuggets? You're talking about gravy with nuggets? No, with like strips. I would eat gravy with nuggets, though. We're still on nuggets. I'd eat gravy with nuggets. That's a wild thing for you to say. You don't like white gravy? I like white gravy on my biscuits. Not on my nuggets. Biscuits. Yeah. On my biscuits at... Crack a barrel. You mean the honky bucket? What? You've never called Cracker Barrel the honky bucket? No. Is that a Midwest thing? That's what my dad always called it. The honky bucket. He's always like, let's go to Cracker Barrel. He's like, I don't want to go to the honky bucket again. Do you know Cracker Barrel has a rule for their company that they won't be more than two miles away from a highway? I mean, that's a logical rule. Yeah, it's great marketing, but also they're just like, these watts need to eat somewhere. Yeah, and my parents are their demographic. Oh, yeah. My parents will choose Cracker Barrel over fine dining any day of the week. Well, they consider it fine dining. I feel like that's fair.
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:For the price? Cracker Barrel's pretty solid. No, they're spending money at Cracker Barrel. Oh, they go to the gift shop. Oh, no, no. On the food. They get hit at the gift shop. They're like, look at these trinkets. My father's ordering extra bacon and extra biscuits and gravy, so he's spending some money. But, yeah, they do buy stuff at the trinket. They do buy stuff at the store. Your mom's like, look at all these roosters.
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:They'll buy bathing suits for the kids and stuff, like weird shit. Dude, don't they know that's what you have buckies for? Exactly. They've done that before. Buckies is where you buy bathing suits and sick Hawaiian t-shirts that I wear a lot of. I think I'm on number five Hawaiian bucky shirt now. That's fat sexual attire for sure. Dude, it is.
UNKNOWN:What?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Do you not have any Bucky's clothing? No. I have zero Bucky's gear. Well, that's not true. You have a Bucky's neck pillow. Yeah, I do.
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, but not a fat sexual attire. I don't have any of that. Dude, a Bucky's neck pillow? That's pretty fat sexual. Let me rest my head comfortably. That might be number one in the fat sexual. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have much Bucky? Do you have Bucky's attire, JP? Nah, bro. He's a Whataburger man. Whataburger boy. Jalapeno papi, baby. Jalapeno papi. So, if we're going to go tenders... barbecue sauce all day on tenders although i think a honey mustard with a little spice to it a hunt why'd you make a face like that i can't stand honey mustard bro oh really yeah that's but i think it depends on if it's more honey or more mustard i know i'm really like what if it's mike's hot must mike's hot honey I've never had it. Is it good? It's fantastic. Would that get a Matt five-star review? Matt's five-star reviews coming to an ATB near you. The gravy's not on your list at all. Have you had like the Whataburger chicken strips? Yeah, yeah. And it comes with like a cup of gravy, dog. I didn't know that they did gravy. You know what I do like to do? That's a real game changer. I like to dip the bread. Do they give bread there? Yeah, right? Yeah, the Texas toast? I like the Texas... Texas toast in gravy, number one. Yeah. I feel like this is your East Coastness, not being as big into gravy. I'm sure it is. Yeah, because, you know, gravy back where I'm from is red sauce. That's gay. That's so gay. It is so gay. It's not a real thing. Anybody who calls fucking red sauce gravy is a pussy. Yeah. And I hope that they get fucking two in the back of the head. I feel like that's the most fake Italian thing ever. Oh, it is. Like... Because also, I didn't start hearing that until like five years ago. And I was like, I feel like this would have been a thing. Yeah, they started saying it on Jersey Shore for some reason. They're not real Italians on Jersey Shore. You know, like most of that cast is not Italian. Yeah. But I would still call them wops, you know? I would still call them Ginzos for sure. Can you say that? What did I say? Me. What I said. I must have said something. I don't know. One of us must have said something. I don't know who said what. I was very passionate about what I was saying, so it's possibly me. Can you say the W word, JP? Yeah, man. Wap. Wap. Wap. And if you say WAP... WAP with an O or an A? If you say WAP three times, Cardi B appears. WAP. And then Ben Shapiro appears after to lecture you. You know, medically, that's actually very bad. You actually can have a woman too wet. There's nothing better than Ben Shapiro dressing down fucking 20-year-old transgender girls. Yeah, you like watching them get dressed down? You fucking freak. It's just an odd choice of words. Call me a transsexual, buddy. Anyways. Fatsexual, transsexual. All right. See what I was doing there? Guys, I have a Would You Rather if you guys feel like playing a little game. Yeah, before this gets way too... Anyway, cut that part out. Before Ben Shapiro comes for us. Gentlemen, would you rather have a personal theme song that plays every time you walk into a room or be followed around by a crowd of cheerleaders? How old are the cheerleaders? If they're over 16, Matt says no. Are they junior high cheerleaders? Good fucking question, bro. Yeah, okay. They have to be like college cheerleaders, freshman college cheerleaders. Now, wait. Do they compete or are they like football cheerleaders? Why? Competitors. They're competitors? They do like the flips and stuff? Yep. So that means Matt can only go into buildings that have high ceilings? Because they've got to throw a 20-year-old girl 10 feet into the air. Are there men involved in that? Because in those competitive cheerleaders, it's usually men. It's wild that he said cheerleaders, so you start thinking about men. No, competitive cheerleaders. I'm very much into competitive cheerleading. I used to, not so much anymore because I don't have cable, but I used to watch it a lot on ESPN. Now you have a wife. She's going to go, stop it. No. He's kind of right. That was a jam, man. I used to get into that stuff too. It was like a pretty good display of athleticism, bro. Oh, for sure. Uh-huh. Yeah, sure. The audience believes you. I also love figure skating for the art. Well, people love to say cheerleading and figure skating are not sports, but These women work really hard. They're just as athletic as our NBA players, for sure. Welcome to Matt being a feminist. It's his second favorite F word. First being... Fill in the blank at home, kids. Freehole. Fatsexual. What does freehole mean? Bean. Oh, okay. Yeah. Flick the bean. Flick my frijole. So, I mean, I would much rather have athletic cheerleaders. Wait, what is the first option? A personal theme song that plays every time you walk into a room. Wait, do I have to transport the cheerleaders places? No, they're like following you. They have their own cars? They have their own bus. Can I board the bus when I want? What's the theme song? You get to pick it. It's mad. It's Matt. The best I've ever been. It's Matt. He's fat. That's a good... That's a solid would you rather. Yeah. Because I'm such a sucker for the ladies. Um... And the ladies sure are a sucker for you. Yes. They like to suck on my nipples. Okay. The cheerleaders have left. They're like, give them the fucking song, man. They're like, we'll play a trumpet if we don't have to do that. I have this image in my head of me shirtless and two lines of cheerleaders. Just suck it on my nipple. And people have turned off the podcast. The audience at home goes, no, thank you. Turn your mind's eye off if that bothers you. I did like where your head's at, bro. That sounds awesome, bro. Because I could do anything I want with these. Cheerleaders, right? All right. Easy. None of that was ever said. We said you get a cheer squad. Hey, you would never have to worry about having less than 10 people at your shows, though. Shit. Everybody give it up for Matt's girls. And Dave. Dave's the one person i would allow the one man out and he's a tall dark and handsome a louder what fuck his cheerleaders he's like yes dave good job how many of my cheerleaders are named tammy too Trey Pack's mom's name is Tammy. Yeah. And he talks about it, so it's okay. You're talking about John. John Carden. No, I'm talking about Trey Pack. Well, John Carden has a joke that he literally says he's so white trash that his mom's name is Tammy. Oh, really? Yeah. Trey Pack's mom is also named Tammy. He talks about it on the Birthday Boys pod. Oh, really? He's like, yeah, my mom's name is Tammy. If I called her right now, you would understand. That's literally what John Carter's joke is. Okay. That's wild. It's funny because I have a joke about a CPAP machine and so does Trey. Very interesting. Fat off, fat off, fat off. Well, he's the master roaster, so I don't think that's a good idea. Yeah. Trey's the man. I've never met him, but he seems like it. What about you, Eric? What are you going with? Okay, for the... so the way my brain is thinking about this is you walk in to like a bar trying to like sit down and have a drink all of a sudden you have 10 fucking annoying 20 year old white girls and you're just like i'm just trying to drink shut up you know so i think theme song because i think that'd be less of a hassle over time In my version of this... They go away when he's done with them. I was going to say those exact words. Be gone, whores. Wait outside. Get in the bus now. Get in the bus and take off your skirts. Alright. Two Bubs does not support these messages. So I was, you know, sorry to derail this for a second. I was listening to a podcast today on the way here. Okay. It was about cheerleaders. No, do you know who Aaron Berg is? Yeah. So he's an absolute maniac and just says whatever the fuck comes to his mind. And that's how I am in real life, but I'm afraid to say things out loud. And I think I'm just going to start leaning in. It's not broken, is it? The lights are red. That's the devil. That damn devil's here. Sorry. What about you, Japes? Dominator. Who do you think? Where are you going to go with this? Man, you guys have some really compelling arguments, man. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the theme song, having like Pony by Keith Sweat play everywhere I fucking go. That's your fucking theme song? Pony, let's do it. Ride it. My pony. That'd be so sexy, dog. On paper, it sounds gay as fuck. Until you walked into a funeral. JV shows up. Or he walks to his nephew's fourth birthday party. He's like, I actually can't come to your elementary school graduation anymore. I have this sick theme song that plays every time I Okay, but walking into a bank, because that was kind of like my thought, like you walk into a bank, and I was like, the theme song is easier to be like, I think you guys are just hearing stuff, than being if you have an army of cheerleaders, and they go, I don't even want to give you a loan, sir. I don't know what you did with the last one, but... I just like the idea of having an army of anybody following me, and I would not explain it to anybody. All right, so... To derail the would you rather question a little bit. Okay, but did you officially answer? The other half of my argument is feeling that if I did have a team of cheerleaders following me, they can adjust for every situation. Kind of like we were just talking about. So if I'm at a bar, we could be like, give me a beer. Okay. And clap or something. B-E-E. Give him a beer. You get pulled over for a DUI. Give me a D. Give me a U. Give me an A. That spells DUI. That spells drunk. That spells daddy's not coming home for Christmas. They're at your funeral. They're all doing jazz hands. No one told us what to do after this. Also, do the cheerleaders age as you do? They start off as 20. You live to be 90. Also, you got a bunch of 70-year-old women with broken hips following you around. Or what if they're 20 years younger than you and then you die, do they have to go in your casket with you? Well, I cannot. I can't legally say I want 20 years younger than me. I technically can. So we got a bunch of seven-year-olds for you. The peewee squad is coming. I'm taking it out to bar. I go into my county mothership and I'm like, look, I know you guys know jujitsu, but the brownies are here. They're selling Girl Scout cookies? Yeah, they got Girl Scout cookies for sale. They wouldn't even cheer for you. They would just sell Girl Scout cookies. I think that's the better one. Would you rather have a theme song or a Girl Scout troop following you around at all times? Would they give Eric the money? Yeah. That's a fucking deal, dog. What if there's no money exchange? It's just unlimited supplies of cookies, of Girl Scout cookies. Well, they wouldn't have to do it for long because my heart would stop. I've eaten 47 boxes of Thin Mints this month. All right. I figured it out, guys. I'm going theme song, but I'm going to go all-star to keep it versatile. You know what I mean? Just anywhere I go, you can always want to hear that song. Hey now, you're Rockstar. Get your JP on. Get laid. Yeah. Funeral. Check. Wedding. Check. Bar. Check. All that glitters is gold. Only shooting stars make them old. Well, here's the thing. For a funeral, you can't go to an acquaintance's funeral with that song. That's got to be like a family member who everybody loved. What if you go to only enemies' weddings? Or enemies' funerals? You know, you're a rock star. You just walk in like, yeah, he overdosed on heroin. Pussy shouldn't have talked shit. Would you laugh, Matt? Let's say, God forbid, Eric died. Yes. Wouldn't it be funny if Eric died? Yes, yes. I would laugh at some point every day because how many times did you say, you're going to die long before me. How many times have you said that to me? If you died before me, I would be sad, but there would be at some point in the day where I would laugh for sure. Go ahead. No, no, I just mean like, okay, go ahead. Would you speak at my funeral? Never mind, you're not allowed.
UNKNOWN:laughter
SPEAKER_00:I don't think your wife would let me. I have a set list for my funeral. And Brent specifically has to say, Matt, you're not allowed to speak. Yeah. Tell Matt he gets five and then light him at one. I just run my funeral like an open mic. Chris Warren gets 25. I mean, he would kill at your funeral. Oh, yeah, dude. With your family members? For sure. They'd be like, who is this other handsome 20-year-old? Then he'd be like, I'm 45. They'd go, God damn. Shout out Chris Warren, being handsome and old. Yeah, and funny. And funny. But yeah, all right. So did we all officially give answers? Yeah. You're going song. All-star, baby. I'm also going song. I don't know what my song would be. You got to pick a song, dude. Yeah, you have to pick a song. I feel like that's the hardest part, is picking a song. It's clearly going to be a country song. Nickelback, Photograph. Look at this photograph. I can't believe how fat he is in there. What about Lips of an Angel? His hips of an angel. No, that's not the song. You know the song by Hinder? It was a riff, but... Oh, was it? I'm sorry. Yeah. I thought you were going with the puppy song.
UNKNOWN:Oh.
SPEAKER_00:You know, like the dogs are dying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I'm talking about like... Sir MacLachlan? Yeah, no, no, I was going with... Wasn't she the lady on all those? Yeah, but that's not what I was going with. I was going with Hinder. They're like a Nickelback band, Lips of an Angel. Canadian? Gross. Yeah. Pretty much Canadian, long hair, blonde, scruffy. You got to come out to something gangster, bro, like Tupac or something, dog, like something that just doesn't look anything like you. The Ten Crack Commandments by Notorious B.I.G. I think I would do... Oh, shit. I think I'd do... Oh, I got a great one for you. Party and Bullshit by Notorious B.I.G. Party and bullshit, party and bullshit, party and bullshit. I don't think I know this song. I'll play it for you right now. Well, that can't get played on the pod. I make my intro song that new Kanye song. N-Word Heil. Instead of N-Words in Paris, it's N-Words in Paradise. Also, for some reason, you took funeral photos. You had a funeral photo shoot, and you're like... you're doing like you're throwing up like fucking do the can you do could you ever do gang signs no what about you no fuck no dude i yeah i knew a lot of white kids that knew how to do so did i yeah do the like the bloods and the crips yeah damn yeah i know how to do that's the way the white youth in america that is what they do yeah it's box thing how do you know it Oh, yeah, yeah. That's Zoltan. What is that movie? That's Zoltan. You know what I'm talking about? Dude, where's my car? Zoltan. Zoltan. Live long and prosper. We got this one. A little double end, you know what I'm saying, girl? Oh, man, who's that dude that had that joke on Kill Tony? He's like, if white guys had gang signs... And he basically did that, and he did... He did the glasses. That's funny. That's pretty fun. Yeah, it was a good set. Big joke book? I don't remember. Probably. Nice. Good job, guy. Yeah, yes, sir. Keep doing what you're doing. Good job, guy, with the big joke book. Did you have... Did you want to say... Did you have something? Okay. about what we were talking about. Something new. The man just goes, you got something? Yeah, I get a lot of opinions on Jeffrey Epstein. Well, now they're saying he, well, they've been saying he didn't commit suicide, but there's no list, so. Yeah. Was he really a pedophile? Free my N-word Epstein. Is he really dead? That's a fun one. He's not dead? Where would he be living? On Epstein Island. Alright. Non-Palestine. That's why they had to carpet bomb all those children. The Civil War. Yeah. Yeah. All right, so you're going cheerleader. We're still on this? I forgot about this. Well, I don't feel like we ever gave a definite answer. You still never picked a song for real. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Just pick a Luke Combs song or something, bro. Long neck, ass, cold beard, never broke my heart. I mean, it would suit you for sure. Yeah. Dude, all right, so... You know what's really funny? This can't be a clip, but you know what's really funny? I had a family member break up with somebody recently, and they reached out to my dad and was like, you know, like, hey, you know, we split up, blah, blah, whatever. And Luke Combs has a song that's all about, like, basically, like, the best thing I've ever had. Like, he breaks up. with his girlfriend and then all this good shit starts happening to him he like wins the lottery and you know all this and that my dad sent it to him like just the youtube link no comment at all just like send him the youtube link like maybe it'll be better don't worry don't worry little bud yeah you're gonna win the lottery yeah also it was like scratch off tickets laughing He won$1,000 on scratch-off? It's like$100. Then I won$100 on a scratch-off ticket. That's such middle-of-the-country white trash. I bought two 12-packs and a tank of gas with it, boy. Come on. Luke Coase is the man. Fuck yeah. All right. so you got your luke combs song i got my cheerleaders you have there's a pony or all-star i'm going back to pony man pony's too sexy dog that's yeah yeah but you're strictly thinking bedroom i know that's all he spends his time doing all these bedrooms that he's walking into also when all does it come on it's just every time you enter a room yeah in her room was the game yep So if I step in the bathroom, it comes on. If I step... You're going to take a fat dump and out your rock star. That sounds amazing, dude. You know, I mean, the reason why I couldn't pick the song is because I have like a... I can't do sounds. He's deaf. Sounds bother me. We've had a sign language expert on all the podcasts just communicating with him. She's green screened out, but she's actually sitting next to me. Yeah. She's sitting on his face. She's actually one of the cheerleaders. My name's Rachel. No, it's Tammy. All right. So I saw this. And I think this is insane. Is this our news topic of the week? Yeah. Welcome to news topic of the week with birthday. Or never mind. With two bubs, one up. All right. Long Island accent. The Long Island accent ranks among the most attractive in the U.S., Did they only pull brain-dead people? I believe so. Who the fuck thinks a Long Island accent is attractive? Not anybody I know. Not me. Not people who live on Long Island. Yeah. No one thinks the Long Island accent is sexy. This is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Why do people post stories about stupid shit like this? It's not real. There's no way it's real. I think it's just so we could talk about it on our hit podcast. That is true. They want two bubs to grow, and I understand. Well, thank you. But apparently this is a study. This is a study published this month by a website called Vegas Slots Online. Vegas Slots Online ranks Long Island accent as the second most appealing in the nation, sandwiched between Cajun, And Mississippi. Are they sure they didn't do a poll on the grossest accents? What are we talking about? Is this satire? What are we talking about here? Also, who is the person that is in that photo? That's Kevin James. He's from Long Island. Oh, I thought it was a really fat Ben Affleck. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, it is. From the angle. Fat Ben Affleck is Kevin James. You were right. He's the queen of Long Island instead of the king of Queens. I would say, well, this is the research, which claims to be based on quote unquote sentiment analysis. What does that mean, JP? Sentiment analysis? Yeah. Yeah, that means when you... I don't know. It means you're gay. Something with soil. Yeah, sentiment, right? No, sediment. It says 27.8% of social media reactions to the Long Island Accident were positive. Gross. That is, well, the Cajun accent is fucking disgusting. Yeah. It's, I mean, the Long Island accent is. Chew them. Chew them. It's fuckable compared to the Cajun accent. Imagine hearing a woman talking that Cajun accent. I'll say, I'll say, I'll say. Did you just do the fucking cartoon character? It's a Cajun accent. Oh, yeah, fuck. Yeah, Froghorn Longhorn. Is that his name? No, it's definitely not Cajun. Cajun is the swamp people. Yeah, I know. Where it's all blah, blah, blah, blah. Shoot him! Shoot him! Shoot that gator! Shoot him! It's the same thing. I just did the same thing. Yeah. It's a goddamn gator fight. That was pretty good. Yeah. Dude, I think I need a little context, man. Do you have a... Action from this place? Sorry, what's the name of the place again? Long Island? Long Island, yeah. Yeah, that's me. That's your accent. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Imagine Matt trying to fuck you. Oh, God. Oh, God. JP. The pizza's better in New York. JP, hand me a smoke. Oh, God. Oh, God. The Yankees will make it this year. JP. JP, you're so good. You remind me of my nephew Geronimo. Oh, my God. Can you get me a coffee and a cigarette? I could see how it could be sexy a little bit. Yeah. That was pretty hot. That was literally my grandma Terry, but... JP's into gilfs. That woman smoked cigarettes. She was diagnosed with lung cancer at like 75, and she smoked cigarettes from like 9 to 75. I think her last six months, she's like, yeah, I don't want to smoke anymore. That lady smoked Parliament hundreds. Those have been long johns, right? Yeah, all fucking day. She just smoked in the back room. Hey, Matt, you get over here. Hey, I heard you failed your math test. It kind of sounds like the Spongebob character that goes and asks for chocolate. Chocolate. I really never watched Spongebob either. God damn it. I'm just doing these for the fans at home. Yeah, all our Spongebob fans, man. Keep doing it. Chocolate. I don't know what that is. But, yeah. I'll send you a link. You know, and then what's a Mississippi accent? You know what Cajun is, right? Yeah. So, Moby, Mississippi. See, I get what they're trying to do with the Mississippi. Because, like, I do think, like, the southern accent on chicks, that was aggressive. Push that out. It turns out 75% of people online love boys. Burps into the mic. I'm noticing everything that comes out of my mouth is aggressive. And anything that comes out of my asshole is aggressive. Whether it's words in a sentence or a burp. Better out than in, I always say. And I forget that people can respond. Yeah. Yeah, see, I agree that the Southern accent can be hot on a chick. Sure. No. But I don't feel like it's... If you're talking about a Texas accent, yes, can be... very sexy on a woman but i don't think i think like texas alabama uh yeah maybe like parts of mississippi but i feel like you think of like trash like trash mississippi not like not like southern bell mississippi there is no southern bell mississippi mississippi is garbage from top to bottom i mean there's there's statistics saying so yeah what are they Cite your sources. The crime rate, the FBI data, is the... In what cities? All the cities in Mississippi. What's their statistics on race? By state. On what? What? It's one of those... It's one of those liberal states, if you know what I'm saying. It's the crime data. Yeah. I don't know. But what do you... Are you attracted to the New York... I kind of am. My wife? Yeah. I'm attracted to my wife's accent. My New York, Long Island wife. Yeah, I guess she does kind of have... She does. Yeah, she does. You don't hear her angry, so you don't get to really hear the accent. It's whenever she's yelling about the fucking pizza sucking.
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, she says queer a lot, too. It's not the only thing. Matt's like, there's no taxi drivers here. Don't say that. That's not who she yells that at. What about you, Jay? So, okay, but what would your top three be? Real quick, man. Oh, so top three? Yeah. Why was your fucking hand so close to my face? It wasn't. My little arms can't reach you. My fast glasses saw fingers twirling real fast next to them. Oh, I'll twirl you. Yeah. You know, I was excited. I thought you were going to bring up my glasses, and I was going to be like, you know what? They were fast asleep. I was excited to say that. All right. Well, now you said it. Let's move on. Let us know if you think that was a gem. Out of context. Uncut gemstones. I'm definitely uncut, but... And everyone just said gross at home. Including my wife. Some guy just driving down the highway just went, oh. Actually, I'm double cut, but we're not going to get into that. His balls are missing too. He got snipped. Would you say they snipped my balls? They doodled me. I'm a eunuch. Imagine we went on the road. I found out you didn't have balls. Yes. How does that happen? Would you continue? I don't know if you're about to shower together. I go, Matt, where are your balls at? See that backpack over there, pal? Oh, my God. I keep my balls in my backpack for good luck. All right. That was a great run, man. Fucking shit. That was a great run. That's the ending of this podcast. That's a great run with your career, though. JB's like, well, we're done doing this, but... Is this when we found out that Brent keeps it PG? Is that the one that keeps this podcast PG? He talks about dead children. I know. Somehow this is worse. Would you ever be able to take me seriously again if... If I knew you didn't have balls? If I walked out of the in a hotel room. I'd still like you. I'm just... Imagine the way I would scratch. All day, no balls. This is Matt Lutera. Because I think the testicles keep the ball back together, so if the testicles weren't in there, they would stretch so far. All right. Why would you still have your sack, bro? Why would they cut off the sack? Of course they're going to keep the sack because you can get a fake ball. You can get fake testicles. And that's what they're afraid of. He'll regain his power if he has balls. You can't let him. He'll become undefeated. So I like the Puerto Rican accent. Oh, man. They're a big fan of balls. My father's missing a testicle. First time you ever mentioned anything about this guy. Matt's like, I don't talk about family, however. My mother... I don't know where this is going. Makes fun of this man so much for having one testicle. I feel so bad. Oh, shit. It's corny, but she says it all the time. He's half a man. She calls him one nut a lot. It's corny, but... We had a kid that thought he was going to lose a nut in high school. We started calling him Uno. Okay, that's creative. That's more creative than my mother, that's for sure. Miss a miss and a nut. You think you're going to talk to me like that with one nut? Yeah, that sucked. All right, so... JP? JP likes Puerto Ricans. We didn't get to my accents. Matt doesn't have balls. Matt's a eunuch. Matt's a eunuch. JP's a eunuch. All right. Hell yeah. What you got, Matt? You still got some accents that you dig? What are your favorite accents? I don't know how we got onto fucking balls, but all right. Yeah, I don't know how we got that there. We got there too, but... Into the mic. I think... hell yeah do it he squirted I would say you threw out Puerto Rican I forgot a New York Puerto Rican accent on a female I dig it man like that ghetto-ness it fucking it's sexy to me dude yeah absolutely dude and the blacks I don't like it on the blacks but I do like it in the Puerto Ricans like the Puerto Rican women it's very sexy there's an aggression like you said that aggression is very much is very sexy Yeah, it's kinky. Eric, you do a pretty good Puerto Rican New Yorker, don't you? Brent, please come back. Why are you so stupid? Brent, can you ask your wife if you're allowed to come back? Listen. That's definitely not it. That's Valley Girl. That's sad. The Dookie Brothers. Yeah. White Men Can't Jump. Rita, her accent in that movie fucking turned me on the entire fucking movie. And so did her tits. Let's be honest. She had her tits out several times in that movie. Man, that's what he was trying to talk about. He was trying to learn a way of saying it without saying it. Oh, my God. I mean, I do like a Brooklyn, a female Brooklyn accent. It's a less aggressive version of the Puerto Rican accent is like a Brooklyn accent. Is there a Brooklyn accent that sounds like anything other than trash?
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Because the only Brooklyn girl accent I have in my mind is like Brooklyn trash chick. What is that accent? What does that sound like to you? I don't know. Anything. Yeah, you've never heard that accent before. No, it's any movie with Mark Wahlberg where he dates a chick from back home. Yeah, he's from Boston, you****. Shit. Oh, you mean all the same? Let's not get carried away. Your cousin from Boston. All right. So, yeah, I would say, and I do like the, you know, Long Island Italian. We're just talking about female voices, or are we just talking about all you've been saying? I mean, if there's men voices that turn you on, you can talk about us, too. The Southern. If you just hear a Texas draw on a cowboy, and you just get your fucking paper hard. One time, Matt saw Sam Elliott talk about being a cowboy. That is a very sexy accent. One time. He only watches any movie if Sam Elliott's in it. saying bro. I like an older Sam Elliott. That's so soothing. Yeah. I actually only watched the big Borowski to see Sam Elliott. Yeah. You have mice in here. Are you kidding me? Nope. Did you see a mouse? Yep. Just ran right across. Oh, shit. All right. Well, that's a fun thing to have on the pod. Well, that's your call, what you want to do with that. But... Yeah, what about you, Jape? What's your top three? Turn on. Okay, it's probably like a New York Puerto Rican first. I do like a really dirty accent on a woman. Jesus Christ. What does that sound like? Where my hoe get? What?
UNKNOWN:What?
SPEAKER_00:Check out Birthday Boys. New episode every Monday. And then there's also that Southern thing. Just to get back to what Eric was saying, it is kind of pretty. There's a movie, I'm not going to remember it, but Johnny Depp's wife comes out in this three-part horror movie trilogy. She plays this chicky from, I don't know, Louisiana or some bullshit like that, but so sexy in that, dude. It made her sound so vulnerable. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. very pretty shit but yeah what about you that's me uh yeah i think definitely like the like the southern southern twang on a chick i like that i like the i like the like texas hispanic chick accent really yeah see i find i find that attractive that is not attractive He did it again. I'm waiting. All right, now adjust the throat into the mic. Quick, he's going to come. Sorry, I was doing my Grandpa Joel. Well, stop doing him. He's probably old and doesn't like it. Oh, he's dead, but he... didn't he would i literally just told it was talking to jen about this he would chew his his food without teeth and he would just chew steak and stuff with gum and we would just always have to save his life because he would choke it sounds like a weird kink we didn't need to learn about your grandfather but all right i also used to find him a lot of times when i'll get home from the bar at like four in the morning belt around his neck With teeth in his mouth. They're facing the other way, though. He would always be in his wheelchair getting snacks out of the kitchen, just in his tighty-whitey underwear. This man had a huge ball-sacking penis, and it would always be sticking out of the side. It's weird that we're talking about things that are attractive to us, and that's where you went. Yeah. I'm just going to start being myself now, pal. You know what I really find attractive? What's that? Whenever a chick has an accent that goes, my favorite podcast is Two Bubs, One On, Birthday Boys. That's my favorite accent. Oh! What up? Shameless plug. Yeah. I've met so many chicks like that. It's wild, dude. Yeah. And they've also asked about you specifically. Ooh. They do. They go, is this heart going to fail soon? No, but they really like to say, who's that sexy voice in the background? The Dominator? Yeah. Oh.
UNKNOWN:The Dominator. The Dominator.
SPEAKER_00:Anyways, we got like a couple minutes left. Do we have an off for this episode? Other than Brent? I have one more thing, which I think is hilarious that I just want to bring up. All right, we can do it quick. The Belarus President Lukashenko... was quoted saying, it's better to be a dictator than it is to be gay. Pretty good. That was an hour? Really? You're lying, JP. He wants this to end. He's only recording 20-minute episodes. The rest of it's AI. You didn't stop in the middle to... You never stopped in the middle. Yeah, I did. It's an hour over here. Okay, I'm sorry. This is crazy. Matt's favorite accent is psychosis. It's also my favorite. There are different voices in his head, different fucking accents and stuff. All right, well, what all plugs have we got, boys? All right, yeah. I'm JP with the good hair on the gram. You can find me there for all the projects. I love your butts. Make sure to tune in to this fucking podcast every Wednesday, right? For as long as it goes on. Every Wednesday or until JP says that's enough. I love you guys. Thanks for having me on, everybody. Hell yeah. I appreciate you being on. Appreciate you filling in. Matt, what you got, buddy? Two bubs, one up podcast on all social media. Make sure you follow us on YouTube, Apple, Spotify. Like, comment, rate, review, all the good stuff. Subscribe. Do what you do, guys. We're trying to get to 1,000 subscribers. by the end of the year. Right now we're at 32. We're almost there. Nice. And we need your help to do this. Is that calendar year or... Astral year. By the moon chart. And I'm a Taurus. Also... Matt Butera comedy on everything. Hell yeah. Eric Biggs comedy. You can find me there. Check out birthday boys. Go spread to that podcast. First ever live birthday boys podcast coming to golden Colorado, October 26th. Go check that out. Check me and Matt Brent and our buddy, Justin Landers and Smithville on September 27th, September 27th. Yep. And that'll also all be on our Instagram. Love you guys. See you next week. Bye.
UNKNOWN:Bye.
